Day 2 of the war

I'm down the the trenches. Bullets whistle by my ears. Johnny's dead, took a bullet right in the eye; I covered up his corpse with a letter from home from his girlfriend. There's a twelve-foot rabbit to my right chewing on a can of tomatoes. I don't know how he got down here. Tanks rumble in the distance. Biplanes and gayplanes buzz overhead, dropping F-bombs. An aircraft carrier launces two Patriot missiles with track-me-down technology, but I'm not worried: The trench is pretty deep. Smoke and blood and succatash cloud my vision. I fire a few shots across the bow; the wrapping returns fire. I'm trapped like a rat. Back to the wall like a dog. Fresh out of feed like a horse with a bag. I can't see the lights of Murky's eyes, they're too ... murky. I smile and toss a grenade, and the rabbit is toast. I crawl along the trench and get tangled up in wire. So this is how it ends. End of the road, ma. No! I struggle with the entangling wires. Yes! An explosion nearby launces me into the air and back into a delightful soothing bathtub, replete with scented oils and floating candles. It's a small war after all.

The 3-day war against Murky M.

Man the poopdecks! Sound the alarums! Ring the forest eaves with alligator fur! Harpoon the landlubbers! Position the Galactium Bargainizer on a level plane! Hypnotize the rodents and various other fauna! Hide the pornos! Ease the rebel seamen into the Galapagos waiting list! Raise Caine, Michael Caine! Deliver them out of the hand of the wicked! Fire in the hole! Fire in the other hole! Where's that first hole again?! Inspect the foreheads for lice! Ingest three tablets and drink five gallons of water before bedtime! Do justice unto the afflicted and needy! Man the Spanish Galleons! I said gallons! I said "Flan!" I said "Oh never mind!" Press reset while holding down the A buttom! Fruit the looms! Protect the virgins, for their own good! Enable the systems administrator to retrieve your password! It's warrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Fun fur time

Dr. Mr Andersen:

It has come to my attention that you are a blankety blank so-an-so. Please indeterminate reliable malfunction in the next four years before the turtleocerous flies at dawn.

Obstreticianeously,
Hamper

Beware of The Blog

Mr. Dobinsky: I have recently begun a dominos trading program for hearing-impaired grasshoppers. Would you like to partake?

Grasshopper: My name is Grasshopper.

Mr. Dobinsky: Allow me to check your crap temperature.

Grasshopper: Squeak.

Lub dup a bub lup!

IT'S GO NUTS TIME IT'S GO NUTS TIME IT'S GO NUTS TIME
MLEEEEAH MLEEEEAH
so there.

Herman's Mermans

Hey! You wanna look out for trouble? You can be the lookout! I'll stay here and you keep an eye out for trouble! If you see anything, and I mean anything, you give a holler! On second thought, never mind, 'cause you suck.

What's that sound?

Amazing Man has too many adventures.
Amazing Man really needs to scale things back a bit.
Amazing Man better not get in my way again.
He ain't no super he-ro like I know, he's just some dude with too many damn adventures, that's all.
Amazing Man.

Vivacious!

A friendly man, of average height, was whittling away on a piece of wood.
"Someday I'll learn," he thinks to himself. Just then, the world exploded, and Stumpda Bum-ass McGee.

TIME 2 TRANSFORM

Of all the grizzled lizards up on that hill,
it's yours whose beard stanked the most.

The candy man can't. He never could.

Dashing and daring,
Courageous and caring,
Faithful and friendly,
With stories to share.
All through the forest,
They sing out in chorus,
Marching along,
As their song fills the air.

Underwear!!
Bouncing here and there and everywhere.
High adventure that's beyond compare.
They are the Underwear.

Magic and mystery,
Are part of their history,
Along with the secret,
Of shitcrapberry juice.
Their legend is growing,
They take pride in knowing,
They'll fight for what's right,
In whatever they do.

Underwear!!
Bouncing here and there and everywhere.
High adventure that's beyond compare.
They are the Underwear.
Under frickin-frackin Wear!!