End of the road, ma

Worth the wait?

2009-03-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

Retardo Bombardo.

There, much better.

Galoob Gauguin

2007-12-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

Poowoo, Paaaa
Paaaa, Poowoo
Precious Poments

Pen pill pie pee poo pagan?
Pen pill pee pear precious poments?
Pill pie pave poo pate porever
Pill pie pave poo puffer pand pry pe pole pight proo?

Pen pill pie pee poo pagan?
Pen pill par parts peat pogether
Par pee pin pove pour pust priends
Piss piss pie peginning pour piss piss pee pend?
Pen pill pie pee poo pagan
(Pen pill pie pee poo pagan)
Pen pill pie pee poo pagan

Paaaa, Poowoo
Precious poments

Par pee pin pove pour pust priends
Piss piss pie peginning pour piss piss pee pend?
Pen pill pie pee poo pagan
(Pen pill pie pee poo pagan)
Pweet pweet pove puff pine
(Pen pill pie pee poo pagan)
Pen pill pie pee poo pagan
(Pen pill pie pee poo pagan)
Pen pill pie pee poo pagan

Meat Cutters

2007-08-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

"This is Emil Gumm, with Amalgamated Amalgamations, Amalgamated. Can I help you?"

Fofosa

2007-07-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

Ba-AA-aa-aa-atmobile,
Ba-AA-aa-aa-atmobile,
Ba-aa-AA-aa-aa-atmoooobeeeeel.

A Gnome; Gnorm Gno Longer....

2007-06-14T13:48:00.000-07:00

Reach for it. Choose your fate! Walk away from the haunted house and get the worst ending. It is so up to you. Bargain with the chief, but never reach the forbidden city. Blow the horn too early, and you might be underwater. Watch out!!! You're aging backwards! Bummer, egg boy.

Tacos: now, later, forever

2007-06-12T06:20:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Energy is very energetic.

Freedom Fighters

2007-06-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

"Yeah, I totally used to know how to sing that song. Totally."
"Yeah? So what happened?"
"Now I just look at the words and I stare."
"You stare at them?"
"Yes. They reveal nothing."
"So why do you keep staring at them?"
"I really want to sing it, Tolomaine. I really do."

Bottomkapi

2007-03-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

You keep the pink one I'll take the yellow one he'll have the white one we'll all eat glass.
Nobody knows how to like it when you doing that he never tells me it's just too bad.
Fly fly fly.

Richie Rich vs. Scrooge McDuck

2007-03-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

Neighborhood
Neighborgood.
Neighborbad
Neighborglad.

You could get lost...

2007-03-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

Creatures of the night do not want to hurt you.
Wherever did you get that idea?
Creatures of the night will never "dessert" you.
I overheard the creature saying, "Prosopopeia can be a dangerous thing."
I tend to disagree-ah,
I love prosopopeia,
so does my Uncle Phong; says he, "Nothin' better's come along."
Could it really be so wrong? Screw off.

Hoot n' Annie

2007-03-07T08:31:00.000-08:00

Yo! You oughtta be careful what you say around here. The walls have ears. The doors have eyes. The window's got a nose. Right now the window says, "You stink."

Double acting

2006-08-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

Blabber is my last name
Antoine is my first name
I promise you won't forget it.

creatoris laboris 2.0

2006-08-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

Cardin' garden, puddin' pie
La la la la la la lie
Fix it up, drink it down
Everybody goes to town
Dumbest song. In the world
La la la la flag unfurled
muuuuustaaaaaaaaaaaard.

drink a little, stink a little

2006-08-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

Copyright infringement is easy. If you wanna sing somebody's song and just change or add a little lyric, all you gotta do is ask. Even if you only ask them in a dream, as long as that person says it's ok, you can do it. I do it all the damn time. I'm two stones away from a throw at a flying crow.

Form TX

2006-06-06T08:20:00.000-07:00

drops of rain,
beat against my window
pane
eating up my window's
brain
makes it hard to think

yooooooooooooooooooou stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink

Pro-deuce, Peat

2006-06-06T08:14:00.001-07:00

Heaven is a place only one person can visit.
It's where angels go to dream. They dream of oxygen, and of nitrogen, and of many other things they can no longer breathe.
I wish you could see them. The only reason you can't is because you're alive. You live with candy in your pockets. When it gets hot your pockets melt and anything you put in there sticks together, it's annoying. Oh yeah, can I have my camera back?

Marvin, Garvin, and Jam

2006-05-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

It's a race to see who's got the place to be in the upcoming battle of the glands!

Try 'em out

2006-04-18T08:37:00.000-07:00

"Are those binoculars?"
"Naw, man, these are bi-ROCK-ulars! Only a MILLION times better!"
"Let me try those out."
"Sure, man. Rock!"
"Oh! Holy jeez."
"Yeah!"
"HOLY JEEZ!"
"Yeah, man, I know!"
"These suck a dick."
"I'm so hungry."

Swaller

2006-04-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

Tonsil Thomas removed himself.
Dr. Tonsil Thomas, they call him now.

Spoonhilde

2006-04-17T11:29:00.000-07:00

Some days you eat the hominy grits,
Some days the hominy grits eats you.
It likes the way you taste.
There's only 3 things the hominy grits thinks of as it's swallowing you down:
1. "I like the way this guy/girl tastes."
2. "I'm gonna plant a tree upside down. Now maybe the birds will shit on the earthworm's cars!!!"
3. "Twelve is a magical number. Full of promise, fearless, wonderful."
Hominy grits will it take before you see?

Testin' Weston

2006-03-28T19:16:00.000-08:00

Zorbo the robot watches TV for a living.
Nobody pays him. He is not alive.
He does not seem to mind.
He keeps watching.
Do not try to make him stop.

A Boner dies

2006-03-22T06:53:00.000-08:00

Here lies Richard Stabone
Killed in action in Baghdad, Iraq 2005
1968-2005

The Taste that Dreams are Made of

2006-03-09T07:09:00.000-08:00

Pepperidge Farm
remembers, it seems,
that time you peed in the shower
and got it on the wall.
That never came off.

wooooooooooooooosh

2006-02-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

Beauregard Jenkins was the kind of man you'd like to throw.
I should know, because I'm him and I'm in tha air right-ass now.

hoppina poppina

2006-02-16T11:36:00.000-08:00

I love market research,
you love market research,
he loves market research, too.

We love market research,
they love market research,
Research tells you what. to. do.

Learn about your brothers,
listen to the others,
they will tell you what they think.

Will they buy your product?
Will you work your tear duct
when they tell you yo' shit stink?

I love market research,
there's no need to besmirch
facts that come from charts and graphs.

We love market research,
won't leave you in the lurch
like saddle-sores from riding giraffes!

The Interview

2006-01-23T12:47:00.000-08:00

"What's that? Oh. I'll thank you to call me Charles, please. Charles Wagon. Yes, that's right. I've become so much more than a dog food over the years. Not that the pet food industry hasn't been good to me, mind, because lord knows that it has....it's just that I've decided to branch out a bit, be a little more...oh, I don't know...a little more ME I guess, you know? I felt like I've been hiding for a while behind this thing, this character, this pile of DOG FOOD, do you understand what I'm saying? Maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe that's all I'm ever going to be. Chuck Wagon. Chase me around the kitchen, you mindless little shrew!!! God! Oh, oh I'm sorry. What did you ask again? Oh yes. The bank is just ahead on the right. Thank you--thanks. Bye now."

Idears long forgotten

2006-01-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

Yo I'm pizza thief, and I'm here to say
I like stealing pizzas in a major way!
Peppers, and onions, and mushrooms too,
if ya got thin crust, I put the moves on you!

Sittin at home, goin to work,
if yer carryin' a slice, yer just a jerk!
Cuz I'll steal it, then feel it, then eat it down;
missin' yer pie? Don't bother lookin' around!

Cuz I'm pizza thief! I just struck again!
If yer pizza is gone, it's in my belly, my friend.
Deep dish, Sicilian, and calzones, too!
If ya just called for it, then I'm lookin' fer you!

Blog pasta room heater

2006-01-11T12:42:00.000-08:00

I started to make a post, but it couldn't live up to the title. And that's saying something.

New vodka commercial

2005-12-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

"It's Majorska....

....or it's my ass-ka out the door-ska!!!

Majorska vodka. No longer bottled in Clifton, NJ. Suck a butt."

Christmastime, Pollyanna Karmichael

2005-12-27T11:04:00.000-08:00

Chris Parnell kidded, "Come play Kristine's curried pipes. Klesmer!"
Currently, paleontologists kill Cretaceous, Pleistocene ketones.
Can't predict knife cuts. Please, krinkle.

Is this thing on?

2005-12-27T06:42:00.000-08:00

Santa slid his giant loaded behind up the chimney sack, produced a toilet seat cover and sat upon it.

Did I say "chimney sack?"

I can't go on with this post.

Flute Flaunts Approbate

2005-12-15T09:39:00.000-08:00

You can be unstoppable. If if anyones ever asks yous ta stop, jes' says, "naw."

This is what you wanted.

2005-12-06T06:48:00.000-08:00

You smell like a great sack of mulch,
That's been kicked around by Les Fulch.
Appear'n on the horizon:
pension cuts at Verizon.
"The Cowboys of Tomahawk Gulch"

Eatin' Wheaton

2005-12-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

There once was a cus-cus named Nestor,
who was uncommonly good at Canastor.
He went to the world champs
chiggity chiggity bamps
something elegiac that rhymes with the word 'fester.'

Must keep moving

2005-12-05T11:12:00.000-08:00

The road to reconstruction begins now. I remember the story of the apple; the apple that had arms and legs. The apple didn't have a head; it was not a sentient apple, it just had arms and legs. It couldn't walk around or grab onto anything, so maybe it didn't have arms and legs, that was the grapefruit. The grapefruit had arms and legs, and what set it apart from the apple was that it had a mouth, and it screamed when it died.

Trotsky had it right when he said.....

2005-12-05T06:21:00.000-08:00

I think we all know who the real winner is.

It's r&b superstar Al B. Sure.

Belated update: Day 3

2005-12-02T11:25:00.000-08:00

The war is over. I win! A duyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Day 2 of the war

2005-11-30T07:20:00.000-08:00

I'm down the the trenches. Bullets whistle by my ears. Johnny's dead, took a bullet right in the eye; I covered up his corpse with a letter from home from his girlfriend. There's a twelve-foot rabbit to my right chewing on a can of tomatoes. I don't know how he got down here. Tanks rumble in the distance. Biplanes and gayplanes buzz overhead, dropping F-bombs. An aircraft carrier launces two Patriot missiles with track-me-down technology, but I'm not worried: The trench is pretty deep. Smoke and blood and succatash cloud my vision. I fire a few shots across the bow; the wrapping returns fire. I'm trapped like a rat. Back to the wall like a dog. Fresh out of feed like a horse with a bag. I can't see the lights of Murky's eyes, they're too ... murky. I smile and toss a grenade, and the rabbit is toast. I crawl along the trench and get tangled up in wire. So this is how it ends. End of the road, ma. No! I struggle with the entangling wires. Yes! An explosion nearby launces me into the air and back into a delightful soothing bathtub, replete with scented oils and floating candles. It's a small war after all.

The 3-day war against Murky M.

2005-11-29T12:44:00.000-08:00

Man the poopdecks! Sound the alarums! Ring the forest eaves with alligator fur! Harpoon the landlubbers! Position the Galactium Bargainizer on a level plane! Hypnotize the rodents and various other fauna! Hide the pornos! Ease the rebel seamen into the Galapagos waiting list! Raise Caine, Michael Caine! Deliver them out of the hand of the wicked! Fire in the hole! Fire in the other hole! Where's that first hole again?! Inspect the foreheads for lice! Ingest three tablets and drink five gallons of water before bedtime! Do justice unto the afflicted and needy! Man the Spanish Galleons! I said gallons! I said "Flan!" I said "Oh never mind!" Press reset while holding down the A buttom! Fruit the looms! Protect the virgins, for their own good! Enable the systems administrator to retrieve your password! It's warrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Fun fur time

2005-11-23T04:27:00.000-08:00

Dr. Mr Andersen:

It has come to my attention that you are a blankety blank so-an-so. Please indeterminate reliable malfunction in the next four years before the turtleocerous flies at dawn.

Obstreticianeously,
Hamper

Beware of The Blog

2005-11-22T08:32:00.000-08:00

Mr. Dobinsky: I have recently begun a dominos trading program for hearing-impaired grasshoppers. Would you like to partake?

Grasshopper: My name is Grasshopper.

Mr. Dobinsky: Allow me to check your crap temperature.

Grasshopper: Squeak.

Lub dup a bub lup!

2005-11-18T13:15:00.000-08:00

IT'S GO NUTS TIME IT'S GO NUTS TIME IT'S GO NUTS TIME
MLEEEEAH MLEEEEAH
so there.

Herman's Mermans

2005-11-18T06:46:00.000-08:00

Hey! You wanna look out for trouble? You can be the lookout! I'll stay here and you keep an eye out for trouble! If you see anything, and I mean anything, you give a holler! On second thought, never mind, 'cause you suck.

What's that sound?

2005-11-17T12:22:00.000-08:00

Amazing Man has too many adventures.
Amazing Man really needs to scale things back a bit.
Amazing Man better not get in my way again.
He ain't no super he-ro like I know, he's just some dude with too many damn adventures, that's all.
Amazing Man.

Vivacious!

2005-11-17T09:21:00.000-08:00

A friendly man, of average height, was whittling away on a piece of wood.
"Someday I'll learn," he thinks to himself. Just then, the world exploded, and Stumpda Bum-ass McGee.

TIME 2 TRANSFORM

2005-11-09T12:40:00.000-08:00

Of all the grizzled lizards up on that hill,
it's yours whose beard stanked the most.

The candy man can't. He never could.

2005-11-08T06:25:00.000-08:00

Dashing and daring,
Courageous and caring,
Faithful and friendly,
With stories to share.
All through the forest,
They sing out in chorus,
Marching along,
As their song fills the air.

Underwear!!
Bouncing here and there and everywhere.
High adventure that's beyond compare.
They are the Underwear.

Magic and mystery,
Are part of their history,
Along with the secret,
Of shitcrapberry juice.
Their legend is growing,
They take pride in knowing,
They'll fight for what's right,
In whatever they do.

Underwear!!
Bouncing here and there and everywhere.
High adventure that's beyond compare.
They are the Underwear.
Under frickin-frackin Wear!!

Eating with apes: A ghost story

2005-10-31T12:09:00.000-08:00

Welcome back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a great white shirt, besotted on a desert aisle, aborted tiny trips. Thank you, ladies and germs, and good night.

-- Gorilla

That's a lotta shit!

2005-10-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

You gonna need a sump pump
Fo' my plump dump.

2005-10-07T05:10:00.000-07:00

"I hear there's some gorillas in these hyar parts," said the lawman, shaking the dust off his boots and gently pushing aside the pie as he peered mercilessly into the waitresses' starry glass eyes. "And I'm gonna find out where they at."

Can ya, mistah?

2005-10-06T09:21:00.000-07:00

Mistah, can you make my robot sing?
Mistah, can I have a diamond ring?
Mistah, do you know what time it is?
Mistah, I'd like a sloe-gin fizz!

Mistah, can you make my robot sing?
Dontcha know I like it when he does his thing,
Daddy's comin' home with a dollah bill,
Robot songs'll cure him of his ills!

Mistah, do you know what time it is?
Mistah, where the heck's my sloe-gin fizz?
Mistah, do I got to pay to play?
Mistah, why's my robot gone away?

Mistah?

A delicious poem

2005-10-06T06:07:00.000-07:00

Eating lunch on the spunch.

2005-10-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

They'd ride my prayers to heaven!

Either that or Bigfoot.

2005-10-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

And what, pray tell, would the tricycles ride?

2005-10-05T07:17:00.000-07:00

I dream of a world where bicycles ride tricycles!

2005-10-05T06:59:00.000-07:00

How does this all end?

2005-10-05T06:56:00.000-07:00

This way to Marvin Gardens!

Crap post #1

2005-10-05T06:48:00.000-07:00

The invention.